musings.

confessional.

2006-03-03T09:10:54Z

ok, so what i'm about to say sounds pretty awful, but...

when i hear about other college couples breaking up, it makes me feel a little better. i feel bad for them, because i know a tiny bit of how that feels and how much it hurts, but at least i'm not the only one that feels so damn sad.

more ranting.

2006-02-23T13:22:31Z

great. he wants his watch back.

long weekends.

2006-02-21T08:20:02Z

weekends in general put me all out of whack because i don't know what to do with myself. it's like free time overload.

i realize how old that makes me sound, and it's sad.

nerd humor.

2006-02-16T22:23:34Z

i feel like a big nerd for saying it, but i had such a good time in my english classes today. it's so great to learn and love what you're learning.

overall, i'm just having a good day. i never like it when people are too self-satisfied, but things are currently quite good.

i've realized that despite all the mini-crushes, i really haven't found anyone worth pursuing. and it feels kinda nice. :)

woops

2006-02-08T23:27:08Z

apologies for the momentary brainfart and mistakes made this weekend. i still want my exboyfriend to die. hahah.

ok, so we all have our downfalls...

2006-01-24T21:05:04Z

it might just be the caffeine, but i've been telling random people that i'd rather my ex die a horrible death than deal with seeing him around campus/hearing who he's been hooking up with.
...i'm pretty sure i'm going to hell, if there is one.

never know.

2006-01-20T06:17:05Z

i've decided that i have to simultaneously care more about some things and care less about others. i realize that's very vague, but it's mostly because i haven't figured out which things i need to prioritize. the thing is, it's hard to prioritize feelings. oh god. i'm such a girl.
it's all very crazy.

shoobies @ 2006-01-19T01:44:00

2006-01-19T09:51:35Z

randomly, for a second there i pictured a glimpse of myself a couple of years from now. at some point, i'll accept how things are and how they've turned out to be. and i think i can talk to you again when i stop having questions. i think our biggest flaw was that we got together too soon, while there were too many questions still up in the air and too many bad memories around.
anyway, the good thing is, i can picture myself feeling peaceful again, and feeling better about things.
i was also talking to my brother tonight, and he was telling me that he was sad that i was leaving LA. it's pretty tough to hear this because, i guess, it's the first time i've heard it from anyone since i've announced that i'm going to texas. i suppose i've been so caught up in the idea of going that i haven't had the time to take into account all the emotions.
it's all very overwhelming.

seriously.

2006-01-18T09:51:35Z

i apologize for my recent craziness. i promise i'm trying to get it under control.

------

Word of the Day for Wednesday January 18, 2006

quondam \KWAHN-duhm; KWAHN-dam\, adjective:
Having been formerly; former; sometime.

as in, why do people feel the need to bring up my quondam boyfriend? sure, from time to time, i bring it upon myself, but i'm tired of getting bulletins from people. especially when they consist of something like, "i saw him today." WOW. thanks! that update was helpful in so many ways.

seriously, folks. it's been a while, but i take a long time to process things. stop talking to me about it like i want to hear about him.

i know, i'm touchy. deal with it.

lol. i swear, the bitchiness will wear off eventually too.

surprise, surprise.

2006-01-13T23:53:02Z

so i'm on this terrible cart tour where the two people aren't really laughing at any of my jokes, nor giving me much expression or reaction at all, when out of the corner of my eye...
you never want to see your ex with someone else. but the sting is just slightly harsher when it's with a girl he left you for a year ago. just when you think she's out of your life, she pops in as a reminder of everything you couldn't be.
and i didn't know if i should be hurt, or angry, or jealous. but i stumbled along, continuing with the tour, trying not to look back.
and i faked it all pretty well.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

2006-01-09T09:02:11Z

i miss being in love. despite the mess it makes, it somehow makes the world a little tidier.

oh my.

2006-01-05T06:52:56Z

so the game was somewhat heartwrenching, but you know, at least we took it with poise. i guess you really can't win 'em all.
---
so this friday will be crazy. training, GREs, and meeting with vegas guy! yikes. and to think i wouldn't have plans for friday night. :p here's hoping he's as cute as i remember him to be. otherwise, at least it'll be an adventure.

shoobies @ 2006-01-04T13:58:00

2006-01-04T21:58:46Z

something hit me today that made me realize that romantic love isn't really as important to me as having company.
i just like having someone to talk to. maybe hold hands with occasionally.

torn.

2005-12-29T22:18:10Z

i wasn't going to post this, but hey, why not? i am rather proud of it, and it's nicely written despite the fact that i wrote it at 4am.

She could understand, now, how sex was like a drug, and the weight of it on her particular circumstances. It had been nearly two months since she last slept with him, and those memories haunted her. Here was a man she loved, a man who had eluded her time and time again. When they had sex, they made love, and she could feel it deep down.
When it all began to fall apart (things had been falling apart for quite some time--even as they said I love you to one another)--she felt the hollow ache swell up in her own heart. She knew it was no good, and like a rotting, forbidden fruit, her time was up.
They got swept up in the mess of it all, and before she knew it, it was he that was leaving her. And like so many other fairytales gone predictably wrong in her life, she let a man she convinced herself to love slip away. Like so many men, he could not or would not meet what she thought were the most basic of standards.
In a panicked rage, she wanted to be with someone else. By the time she kissed someone that was not him, she could only celebrate her small victory briefly--immediately, she wanted another man to be inside of her, if only so that the last man she slept with was not someone who she had allowed to hurt her. She needed to convince herself that it was all the same--that sleeping together involved the same gestures even if there were no feelings of love there.
In a sense, she wanted to feel sex the way he must have when he decided that he could not be enough for her. She needed to numb the feeling and just pretend that he had not scarred her so deeply from the inside.

buried treasure.

2005-12-20T10:15:16Z

saw these random thoughts on a random site, but decided that i liked a few:

In life, you have two loves: one who changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other who puts you back together after you have lost the first.

The best thing about pictures is they never change, even when the people in them do.

---
edit: i think there are actually more than two loves in your life.

the world you love.

2005-12-20T10:05:35Z

this weekend was pretty amazing, and i've been looking forward to spending time at home. it's so strange and great to be back. i deal with this change, however, the same way i deal with most changes--i need plenty of time to process everything.
wrapping up this semester has been difficult, if only because all of these small realizations are appearing and reappearing wherever i go. one nice thing that i've learned is that people are resilient. most people, anyway. i've found that many of my friends have been so incredibly strong through what they have experienced, and this in turn gives me strength. i'm also glad that i've been through some hardships of my own--though they appeared to defeat me at the time, i have come out of it better--new and improved, if you will. :)
i don't know if what they say is true, the whole thing about "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." i do think that the more you go through, the more you learn how to cope--usually, anyway...as long as you are consciously trying to become a better person. the only catch is that it makes you that much more jaded, that much more aware of the potential for hurt that lies in every new person you meet. it's tough to let people in after a while.
happily, i haven't gotten to that point. i am discovering that i have surrounded myself with close friends and family members at similar levels in compassion, pragmatism, and integrity. they keep me grounded, and remind me of the genuine goodness that i still believe people have.
i hope i don't lose sight of this.
------
vegas was very fun. i haven't been attracted to someone so quickly in a while, so this was a refreshing experience. it's so dorky--we were doing the same damn dorky dance moves and were immediately drawn to each other. and for a few hours, all the bad memories slipped away. here was something new and exciting, someone kind and fun and able to laugh at himself. if we never speak again, at least the thought of it was uplifting--a new future with a new someone.

gah!

2005-12-12T11:07:36Z

i put aside today to clean my room, catch up with some work, and start packing.
i've done none of the above.
le sigh.
and i thought about getting work done and being productive tonight since i can't sleep, but i'm tellin you--a digital camera and facebook will consume your LIFE.

mixed messages.

2005-12-11T12:51:37Z

tonight has officially been one of the most eventful in a while. which is crazy, because i spent most of today in my room hiding and trying to sleep off being sick.
all in all, an interesting night. good times with the girls :) realized that i have small crushes on many of my guy acquaintances--either that or there are just a lot of good lookin' guys i've been running into. heh.
i remember a couple of summers ago, sean told me i was "boy crazy" and i was offended. the thing is, when you're single, it's like...possibilities are everywhere. it's something i can't help!
anyway, this doesn't really help my case, but check out this e-mail from recent guy of interest:
"[getting to know you talk. talking about future. and THEN] Here's my number for your records- (555)555-5555."
obviously the number has been changed, but "here's my number for your RECORDS" ?!?!?!
i don't know what that means. is that shy guy speak for "here's my number please call me sometime it would be great to travel the world and have lots of babies with you?" or just "if you ever want a booty call, holla?"
i know, guys don't think in terms of babies. only i do. but still. i am quite baffled. i think it's funny, but WOW. ambiguous, no?

FINISHED!

2005-12-10T11:00:13Z

done with finals! woohoo! :)
celebrated tonight by having a little get together with former residents and going to rage. oh gay clubbing. how i've missed thee. thank you patrick and bao for taking care of me and holding my hand. :)
been having a lot of good nights with good friends lately. it always amazes me when you stumble and find a friend who catches you. it's cheesy, but i mean it. you've all been there, right when i needed you. that's something i am incredibly grateful for.

crazy mom.

2005-12-08T10:11:45Z

whenever i start feeling too down, i think of this moment:
(mom calls me at midnight)
mom: what're you doing?
me: going to bed.
mom: with who?!?
me: what? by myself! haha.
mom: WHO'S THERE?!?!

cracks me up.

half empty or half full?

2005-12-08T08:30:15Z

for the life of me, i can't get to sleep before 3 or 4. except for last night, and that was because i had a mai tai, and even then i woke up two hours later only to find myself unable to sleep until 5am. i guess it's a good thing these weird sleeping habits are kicking in now and not a week ago, when classes were still going.
one thing's for sure--this semester has been pretty good overall. i think i'm in a much better place than i was last semester during finals. maybe the classes are easier or more interesting, and fall semester comes with a default social life with football games and all.
i was thinking today that i've been feeling sort of un-important or un-fulfilled as of late. i guess i get worried about what it is that i've done that is significant. i know it's pretentious to say, but i wonder...what have i done of importance for usc? oh god when i type it out it's much more pretentious. oh well. i'm not taking it back now.
i don't even know why i get worried about this. well, i guess i do know. i can't remember what i did that was significant in high school, besides maybe be a good captain for cross country. and even then, that stays with the people and the coach, and not necessarily with the school. so what do you come back to when you return to your alma mater? with all the extracurriculars and academics and honor societies...what does it even matter if you don't matter to the people, or if people don't notice when you're gone?
i don't mean to be dramatic, but this is something i'm genuinely concerned about.
anyway, one semester to go.

a clockwork orange.

2005-12-07T22:33:29Z

so i'm watching a clockwork orange right now in a desperate attempt to study for my spielberg class. and dina, you are not alone. i am actually enjoying this movie. it makes me feel kind of messed up for enjoying it, but i really do. does this make me crazy? anyway, i like it much more than dr. strangelove, which was weird and painful to watch. this is still painful to watch, but it also makes me hungry. again, i'm not sure what this says about my sick, sadistic mind.
anyway, three finals and a takehome to go, and i'm home free for the semester. i'm so excited i am actually somewhat motivated.

"i'd hit that."

2005-12-06T08:31:16Z

i know i should be studying, but i can't seem to get my mind off of particular things. i was telling vy earlier today that for the most part, i'm totally fine outwardly. i haven't cried in a pretty long time, and i've been keeping busy. i guess the hard thing about getting over people is that the memories don't all come in a rush. instead, they come in flashes and scenes, rendering you slightly more pensive and, in a sense, lonely.
i'm not saying these things to feel sad, because the odd thing is, they don't make me feel sad. it's just all part of the curious process. when a friend asked me how i'm dealing with all of this, i told him that it's as easy as knowing that i've gotten over other guys in my past. i've felt this hurt before, and most likely, i'll feel this hurt again. eventually, though, i'll come across someone who won't hurt me as much. and that's pretty good to know.
on a more amusing note, my residents spent about half an hour today talking about whether or not they'd "hit that"--that referring to me. it was a little awkward and oddly flattering at the same time. i try not to take it too seriously, but in any case, it's always nice to know that you're wanted. and hell, i had to admit--if i were a guy, i'd hit me. haha.

still self-righteous.

2005-12-05T10:20:07Z

to clear up any confusion, i should probably note that i'm still rather full of myself. i mean in that "hey, there's nothing wrong with me--i'm AWESOME" kind of way. i don't consider it being stuck-up. it's about being confident.
because we didn't get any real "action" this weekend, patrick seems to have the idea that we're undesirable. that is just crazy. to be honest, i spent a lot of time on facebook one night just looking at people's profiles. and i looked at all of the profiles of some of the most involved, intelligent, charming, good looking people i know...and you know what? most of them are single. so maybe being with someone isn't all it's cracked up to be when we have so many other things in our lives going on. maybe we're just incredibly intimidating or don't want to settle.
i must sound like i'm making excuses. but in any case, i am tired of the mentality that single translates into undesirable. i'd like to think of it as having more wiggle room. :)

love, actually?

2005-12-05T06:46:17Z

i'm watching love actually right now and just got a sudden reminder that i haven't slow-danced with someone in a long time. isn't that crazy? we should have dances more often. maybe they're overrated, but i miss that whole hubbub.